Write something proper about the new Harry Potter film? Erm. No.

So I feel like I should mention, I saw the Harry Potter Film last night. Part 2 of the 7th book. They have really milked that one, haven’t they! My conscience forced me to say… I should warn you now, because I can’t help myself, I have put a spoiler in this post. Some might consider it big and some might consider it obvious, but it’s there all the same.

I am embarassed that I saw it and even more embarassed to admit to it, but since I talk about most of the things I get up to which aren’t day-to-day then I thought I’d better say something. This is also the third night in the row I went to the cinema, impressive going by anyone’s standards.

I only went, because a friend was desperate to see it and I thought maybe its run would be finished before long, so I gave in. I was actively trying not to see it. I haven’t seen any of the others before and only saw Harry Potter and The Fellowship of The Ring (or whatever it’s called, I don’t bloody know) before this one.

I pretty much expected to have no idea what was going on for a while, but luckily, as it’s aimed at kids, there aren’t any particularly taxing themes to follow, or get confused by.

The cinema was pretty full considering, we were shunted off to one side, having previously sat in the wrong seats and been stared at somewhat harshly by their rightful owners for the next 2 hours.

The popcorn was ok, I bought a hot-dog, ate the Wine Gums and drank the Coke I’d brought from home and, as expected, Voldemort dies at the end.

Oh, sorry, did I spoil it for you? Come on, it’s pretty obvious, even if you haven’t read the epic final book.

That’s all you’re getting on that one. And in case you were wondering…

No, I don’t care that I put a spoiler in.

Yes, I will probably go back and warn you about it, because I’d rather like my readers not to think I am a dick.

Yes, I did swear in a review of a children’s film that children might read. Come on parents, it’s everywhere online, if you don’t like it, restrict them to Club Penguin or whatever crap they do these days.

No, I won’t be putting a picture in, it’s bad enough that I am writing this as it is.

Yes, I did manage to go to the cinema three nights in a row. Not only that, having paid half price on the two previous occasions I did pay full price for Harry Potter… In 3D.

No I’m not going to rate it, because having read all this, I should imagine that you won’t consider my opinion of this film as the most useful; you will want to see it if you’ve seen the last 7 regardless of what I say (that’s about £70 you’ve spent on seeing Harry Potter in the cinema just for yourself) and if you don’t like Harry Potter, you probably aren’t reading this right now, since the title includes the words HARRY POTTER.

Now eff off so I can curl up in the corner and spend the next 2 weeks getting over the shame of not just watching this film, but admitting to it.

If you like this kind of thing though, it’s actually not that bad. 😉

(In)between Malia and a hard place… The Inbetweeners Movie

The Inbetweeners Movie

So to a film which has a very specific audience of extremely dedicated followers, I count myself as one of these people. With this in mind, I will try as hard as I can to keep my review as objective as possible, I can’t promise not to use the word clunge… or pussay though.

I actually started writing this review yesterday, after my first viewing. Somehow, though, after worrying I might not see it at all this week, I’ve managed to end up watching it twice, 2 days in a row! Never in my life have I been to the cinema 2 days in a row, especially not to see the same film. I’d say that’s praise of the highest order, so if you’re in two minds, stop reading here and get down to the cinema. I’m not exaggerating about going now either. despite being in the largest screen on both occasions, the Cinema was packed.

If you need to read a review of this film, it might not be for you if I’m honest. With the target audience generally the 18-30 category, this film ticks all the boxes, both from the audience and production company’s point of view. It’s a nailed on, must see film for all of us who still feel like we’re still living the four boys’ lives and it is hardly a hollywood blockbuster in terms of budget. My flabber will be ghasted beyond belief if the makers of this film didn’t make the entire budget of the film back within a week.

Anyway, ignoring all that, this film is a clunge fest in every sense of the word. The boys, after leaving school head off on what can only be described as the ultimate coming of age holiday, a trip to Malia, the party capital of Crete.

I’m not going to spoil it for you by giving away the story, partly because there isn’t much of one, but let’s be sensible, the last 3 series’ despite charting the pitfalls of 6th form didn’t have a great deal of that either.

I think that with such a successful series, the pressure is on when making a film, hence the title of this review. My own biggest concern was that we’d end up with a bit of a ‘Kevin & Perry Go Large’. With a similar theme (teenagers on holiday) it could have all gone horribly wrong. In reality, though, Kevin & Perry were caricatures played by middle-aged men in short sketches, meaning that other than the odd huff, there wasn’t actually much there to base the film on. The Inbetweeners is a well written programme with a good back catalogue and well-developed characters played by actors not much older. I should have known, I didn’t need to worry.

Other than that, perhaps the biggest danger is that we’d end up with one long episode and whilst there are worse things in the world, is that something you really need to go to the cinema for? Well in this case yes. If it is like an episode, it’s like one of the properly funny ones. The gags are non stop and there are plenty of themes to keep it entertaining. One or two genuinely classic memorable moments and enough of Jay’s bullshit to fill… something really big.

This is a film which not only leaves every teenager in the cinema talking about when to go to Malia, it leaves those of us in our late 20s and older pining for those days and wondering if we can get away with a trip of our own.

The real joy of The Inbetweeners, both in terms of the series and the film is that we can relate to all of them. We all knew a Jay and we all behaved just like Simon over a girl. Whilst all of them are probably a bit more polarised than we’d admit to being ourselves, nothing is so ridiculous that you can’t believe it might actually happen. That’s the joy of this type of film. As Charlotte said to me as we were walking out, The Hangover is hilarious for having things like a Tiger in the hotel room, but The Inbetweeners is funnier without it. We’ve all been there.

It’s simples then ;-p If you love The Inbetweeners, you need to see this film, immediately. If you aren’t bothered, then don’t bother and if you’ve never heard of The Inbetweeners, you really need to borrow my Series 1-3 box-set, watch them all this weekend and get down to the cinema before it’s too late!

5/5

765

S&M… That’s Sir & Madam, actually!

Sir & Madam, Guildford

Despite the fact I have zero funds, I have managed to visit Sir & Madam twice in the space of a single week! On both occasions I ate pretty much the same meal too, which is shocking behaviour when you know you’re going to write a review and could offer some thoughts on more than one dish.

Oh and I should probably mention, since it’s not that obvious, Sir & Madam is a Thai restaurant, which I have now eaten at 3 times in total.

So in traditional OCD style I am going to use exactly the same headings as I did for my review of Jamie’s. This is both a blessing and a curse, because it means that you can compare and contrast (thumbs up) but it also means I have to remember what I did and that if I come up with something new and clever I don’t really want to add it. (Predictably, in fact, I have just thought of something I didn’t mention last time and not only have I come back to mention that here, it has meant adding a whole new paragraph to my long since finished review of Jamie’s Italian. Bugger.) Never mind though, perhaps, as usual, I should stop thinking out loud about how I write my blog and actually get some proper words down on the metaphorical paper. (I could use actual paper, but then the only beneficiary of my review would be me… and my mum after I’ve made her read it. (My mum doesn’t actually need to read it either, she was the person I went with the first time. (HI MUM! (See, I still force her to read it on here too! (Is there a limit to the number of brackets you should put within brackets?)))))

First Impressions

I am delighted to be able to tell you that Sir & Madam is located up Jeffrey’s Passage… or down it, depending on your angle of approach! Jeffrey’s passage leads off Guildford’s High Street on to the parallel ‘2nd’ shopping street in Guildford’s town centre. Local’s will know where I mean, outsiders should simply aim for the little passageway kind of opposite Sainsbury’s at the top of town. Apart from the obvious hilarity of the name, and I do love a good Jeff related pun, this street, or passage, more accurately has a number of little shops well worth checking out if you’ve not been down that way before.

In terms of the restaurant itself, it is a little hamstrung by the location in terms of how it looks from the outside, although I do think its in the ideal spot. If anything though it’s a plain and unobtrusive frontage which offers little to catch the eye.

Despite visiting on a Wednesday and a Sunday (not prime nights for eating out) the restaurant was nicely full on each occasion. There was couples and groups, but not every table was full, suggesting that there is no need to book, at least not on a Friday or Saturday. Given that the restaurant is small, but spacious, the ambience is great. The decor is simple but you tend to find that with good food and better company that you shouldn’t be staring at the walls much anyway!

My mark is a little harsh here given that I think it’s a great place to come, but given that it is easily lost down this back passage (seriously, the scope for puns is endless!) with no strong presence, I have to give a slightly lower mark for the first impression. Second third and forth impressions are much better!

3.5/5

Service

It has to be said, the service is excellent. You are greeted when you enter and generally given a choice of tables, with couples encouraged to use a larger table if they prefer. The waitresses are all well turned out, either wearing traditional Thai dress or a Singha uniform. Unlike with some restaurants, you are not attended to by one individual, with the whole staff pitching in to serve. They are both attentive and the food is quick. My waitress on my first visit was called Meow, and whilst this may be a little culturally uncouth, this, quite frankly, sealed the deal. Who can resist a Thai woman called Meow? The opportunities are endless!

5/5

Food

On, once again, to the make or break aspect of the restaurant experience, the nom noms… I mean, for those of you not prone to talking like a child, the food.

I don’t know how to speak Thai-ish, so I don’t know what any of the dishes are actually called (although I have heard of Pad Thai before and Thai Green Curry!) Luckily for you though I chose things with sensible names… I am good to you.

There are a few set menu options, even the meals for 2 seem to come with a vast amount of food though, so on each occasion I stuck with choosing individual dishes from the menu.

For my first visit I had Thai Crispy Duck Spring Rolls to start and Thai Fried Rice with Chicken for the main. Second time around I mixed it up with the sharing platter as the starter and Thai Fried Rice with Chicken as my main course. I honestly do like trying new things, I promise, just not this time!

The Duck Spring Rolls were lovely. Admittedly they were hotter than the sun when they arrived, but once you have busted through the pastry casing to the goodness within and allowed the cool air to circulate the whole concept seems like utter genius. Yes you don’t get the joy of watching someone tear the flesh from a cooked duck, nor do you have the chance to roll your very own preferred combination of duck, cucumber, spring onion and hoi sin in a pancake, but do you really need all of that? The spring roll approach is lovely and the little pot of hoi sin ensures you have all you need.

My alternative starter was probably the best choice on the menu, especially if you are dining with more than one person. You are provided with 2 of each of the following: Satay Chicken Skewers, Spare Ribs, Prawn Toast and Vegetable (sort of) Spring Rolls. (I feel like I missing one, but I’ll be blowed if I can remember what it was.) Each item was as tasty as the last and although there was plenty there it wasn’t too filling. My pick of the bunch was the spare ribs, maybe it was because I got to eat both, but the meat just seemed to fall off the bone and they tasted fantastic.

Perhaps one benefit of having the same meal twice was the ability to confirm the quality of the food is consistent, which it certainly seems to be. Although there are far more interesting things on the menu, with a choice of currys and other dishes, the Thai Fried Rice is a great choice. Although at first glance it’s simply egg fried rice with chicken, there is something a bit extra about Thai food which makes that ok. Where Chinese or Indian flavours are strong or harsh on the pallet, Thai offers subtle flavours through every dish. The rice is well cooked and although the egg and chicken the main other ingredients, there is also onion and some tomato in there which keeps the meal interesting. I can’t fault what one would normally assume to be a plain dish and it was good enough to have me coming back for more.

I didn’t have the desert on this occasion, although I have tried the deep-fried ice-cream in Sir & Madam before. This is another aspect which, in my experience, Thai restaurants do so much better than their Chinese counterparts; Sir & Madam is no different. With bespoke desserts rather than mass-produced, frozen rubbish they are much more interesting. I had to try the deep-fried ice-cream for the experience and it’s certainly sweet and rich. A little too much for my taste but something which has to be seen to be believed!

We did have a bottle of wine on my second visit, the Pinot Grigio, but as ever, I know nothing about alcoholic grape juice, so I will offer no opinion. We finished the bottle, but that doesn’t say much either!

5/5

Price

I have called this section price, but in reality what I mean is value for money. I once had a meal which cost £100 a head and whilst the price was high, I considered that meal to be good value for money too, so don’t be fooled! Here though, the prices are low and the value for money is high. I really can’t fault the cost here, offering an alternative to the cost and quick turnaround at alternatives such as Thai Terrace with no compromise on the quality of the food.

With 2 courses and a bottle of wine we paid £20 per head on my second visit. The first was even cheaper, with the total bill coming closer to £35 for the two of us, although we did not have wine that time around.

5/5

Overall

I can barely fault this restaurant. I fear even many locals are either unaware of the place of have simply walked past it, not drawn in by the bland exterior. However, apart from this, in many ways it’s hard to fault and I almost hope no-one else does discover this place really, with the atmosphere and service already just right.

4.5/5

1,602, two meals at a nice restaurant are obviously inspirational!

The Woman in Black at The Fortune Theatre, London

The Woman in Black

It’s not often I go to the Theatre, although I’d probably say I’m pretty average, in that I probably go between 1 and 5 times a year. Given that proper plays are the height of culture (maybe) I’m going to make my review as serious as possible, although it will probably be similar to most of the others. I have to admit, I’d expected to include a few more jokes in my reviews in geneal, but they have veered sharply towards being serious critiques, perhaps even providing some insight on occasion. An unexpected twist!

On with the serious business of deconstructing a play, something I am utterly incapable of doing with any ability whatsoever.

I had never previously heard of The Woman in Black, which really gives away what an utter pleb I really am, particularly when it comes to the stage, although I’m not really counting musicals here! I was shocked to learn that pretty well all of my friends have seen this play and loved it, and evern more-so that none had mentioned it to me before.

The Play – General Information

The Woman in Black is a story which was first published as a Novel in 1983, written by Susan Hill. Subsequently, it was adapted as a play for a run in Scarborough in 1987, reaching the West End in 1989.

I don’t know how much the play has changed in this time, but I’d venture to guess, not a lot. This is no bad thing though, with much of the charm coming from the varied use of the basic props and clever way of inspiring one’s imagination.

The general premise of the play is that one of the characters (there are two) has a story to tell. He has, until now, been unable to do-so, but feels he must now share it with his family and friends. The second character is an actor, who is employed to help by coaching and eventually help with telling the story. It’s an interesting dynamic and a clever way to tell the story, helping to suck you in quickly and providing some background into why these two men are on stage, and offering some real depth to the personalities.

The play is billed as something of a fright-fest and it is genuinely the most scary thing I’ve seen performed live, although this particular genre is not well represented via this medium. There is both the deeper psychological aspect, as well as the suspense and ‘jump out of your seat’ brands of terror which keeps you interested throughout the play, although inevitably some times the story is predictable it is never boring.

The Fortune Theatre

Somebody once said to me that they saw this play on tour and they felt that the theatre wasn’t ideal, rather killing off any of the more frightening aspects. I must say, I thought the Fortune Theatre was ideal. We were sat in the stalls, which I would imagine are far and away the best seats for this play, although we were right in the front right corner. The theatre is on the smaller side, which I think gives the required level of intimacy. As is the case with all of London’s traditional old theatres, it’s a bit of a rabbit’s warren when inside, but there are plenty of drinking facilities and such like.

4/5

The Cast

I was lucky enough to see both of the leading actors. I don’t have many thoughts, because to my eye, the actor is either believable or not. You can only really offer a detailed critique if you’ve seen other’s play the role and/or the actor’s prior work, neither of which is true in this case.

Patrick Drury – Arthur Kipps

Patrick Drury seems to me to have been an ideal choice for this role. He executes the part well and helps you to identify well with the character.

Full details on Patrick Drury can be found here: http://www.thewomaninblack.com/about_womaninblack/cast.php?id=1

Antony Eden – The Actor

Again, the role of ‘The Actor’ has been well cast with the choice of Antony Eden (pictured). He is entertaining and energetic and appears to have a good rapport with Patrick Drury.

Full details on Atony Eden can be found here: http://www.thewomaninblack.com/about_womaninblack/cast.php?id=3

5/5

The Production

Always intended to be a ‘low cost’ production, it seems there wasn’t a great deal for the set designer to do for the majority of this play. Much of the play is performed around very few items, a desk, two chairs, a large hamper and a clothes rail. It fits well with the idea that the play is actually rehersals for the two men. Some might suggest that the imaginary dog is a little ridiculous, although you wouldn’t have a real dog in this setting anyway, so it works, at least to my mind. The set-up of a play within a play also cleverly allows you to suspend disbelief on a number of levels, depending on which part of the play you are watching, also allowing you to ignore things like the imaginary dog, or the hamper posing as a horse and carriage.

4/5

Overall

A play I would more than recommend, a really entertaining evening and genuinely scary. I’ve heard some people have been back 7 or more times, which is as much of a recommendation you are ever likely to get. The play has been running for 21 years, but they are booking into February, there’s no rush, but it’s also a popular production and likely to remain so. A top choice for anyone who doesn’t mind a stage show without singing!

5/5

Book online here: http://www.thewomaninblack.com/book_tickets_womaninblack/booking_info.php

949

It’s not a monkey! Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Ok, so you should know that I saw this one on Saturday and I should warn you, Saturday was a stressful day, so this review might be a bit sh*t! I should also warn you once again, this review may give away a little more than you’d like to hear.

My first thought here was that the title is stupid. I mean, maybe they are hamstrung by the fact they needed to include the words ‘Planet of the Apes’, but it doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue. If it were me that got to decide these things, and there are good reasons why it isn’t me, but if it were, I’d probably have given it a sub-title. Maybe something like ‘Planet of the Apes: Genesis’, but we’re lumbered with it as it is.

Moving away from such trivial matters, the movie itself (I hate that word, I much prefer to say ‘film’ but when it comes to Hollywood blockbusters/franchises, the word movie just seems more appropriate). Anyway, the movie itself opens with a scene of Apes being rounded up for a spot of casual scientific testing. From there on it’s pretty obvious what’s going to happen here and together with a decent amount of ‘story’ the story plays out as one would expect.

I have seen little of the original films and I always struggled with the premise of a spaceship somehow travelling through time and ending up back on earth with the Apes somehow not only in control, but with infrastructure and society matching our own, as we see at the end of Tim Burton’s 2001 remake. However, this film provides a believable premise and genuine identification with the main protagonist Caesar. The film hinges on the act of one human, doing what we all fear will happen, producing a drug which is both the ultimate cure and the ultimate killer. His humanity is what gives Caesar his future and his arrogance leads to the beginning of a world changing battle. The plot spends a long time winding around Caesar’s early story and yet provides us with little justification for the ultimate change and final outcome; a rather violent affair given the Ape’s earlier life experiences. The end of the film leaves us with something to ponder, why exactly did they go through all that they did and what exactly do they expect to happen next? In other words, this is a film designed entirely to make us come and see another one and whilst it is good, I’m not sure it’s good enough to have the audience flocking back for more.

The effects appear pretty standard, although the apes are entirely CGI, which is both impressive and a touch unnecessary, we are advised on the poster that the people who made Avatar are involved, but I can’t see a great deal over and above Burton’s film to get the juices pumping. Serkis is fantastic as Caesar though and he has proved again that he is the king of motion capture.

In terms of timeline and relationship with the rest of the franchise, for people that care about these things, the film generally works. You can understand why the Apes don’t like Humans, you can see how they were able to bring this to bear, it leads nicely towards the ultimate outcome told to us in the original stories, the question is, how long can they drag it out until we get there?

Overall a good film movie and worth seeing on the big screen, but not one to sate the appetite of purist Apes fans nor those looking for a rich storyline. On the plus side, Helena Bonham-Carter is nowhere near this one!

3.5/5

616

Super, Smashing, Great… Super 8.

Super 8

Since Friday night, unusually, I’ve done three different entertainment related activities, I have taken in one theatre trip and two films at the cinema… I’ve still yet to write about any of them, so I’d better get started…

I’ll do a separate review on each, despite my temptation to throw everything into one epic post, since that wouldn’t actually make a great deal of sense. The most recent and therefore, most fresh in my mind was Super 8, J J Abrams and Steven Spielberg’s latest Sci-Fi cum children coming of age action flick. I’ve never done a film review before, in fact I’m reviewing most things for the first time for this blog and, with that in mind, I may give away more than you want to know. If you think I have, let me know and I’ll try and be a bit more reserved with the next one. Otherwise, read on…

We all know Spielberg, we all know the guy can make a kids movie, with E.T., Hook and The Goonies amongst his credits we also know they are films which are capable of entertaining us whether we’re 13 or 33. Finally we know the man has a formula. Yes, there is the standard hero story and yes like every film he slavishly follows it, but Spielberg’s formula, is more complex, it’s devilishly clever in fact, so clever I am almost blown away by its sheer genius… Include a fat kid and, if possible, find an excuse to point and laugh at him. Within minutes of the film starting, I am able relax into my seat, re-assured that this time, things will be no different.

Now, for something a bit different, throw a bit of Abrams into the mix and see what happens. Two genuine movie heavyweights pooling their collective resources, experience and knowledge to produce a genuinely scary young person’s film? This could be good.

As it turns out, it’s great.

All the required ingredients are there, characters you can relate to, an underlying story of romance (extra points for making said romance of the forbidden Romeo and Juliet kind) and a giant great big monster. Now, I nearly wasn’t going to mention the monster, the trailers don’t really show it and perhaps it would ruin it for you.  However, if we exclude Star Trek, which is rather more prescriptive and look back at the stuff Mr Abrams is best known for then immediately we have some clues. Take Lost, the TV series which spent a long time confusing people before introducing… a huge monster, a few of them actually. Then there’s Cloverfield, the film which no-one was allowed to speak about before it was released, barely had a trailer and involved the concept of being filmed on a handheld camera before WHAM, a giant monster comes crashing through the city. Sensing a theme much?

In reality then, I walked in not knowing what to expect, when in reality the two main forces behind this film immediately fell back on what they know best, fat kids and scary monsters.

Despite the formulaic nature of the film, both in terms of the overall themes and specific details it’s a genuinely entertaining picture. Special effects are generally barely worth a mention unless they are either exceptionally good, or terrible. In this case we saw a monumental train crash and a cleverly introduced monster, which you don’t get to see eye to eye until very near the end. Other than the general disaster movie/alien invasion, we are provided with a well constructed story surrounding the fat kid and his friends making their own movie, (giving the film its own title) which is believable and at times touching. This is topped off with our story of young, forbidden love between the children of two warring parents. With the film set some time in the late 70s or early 80s it’s easy to buy the innocence of the children in a story which today could lead to only one thing – teenage pregnancy. However, the story, at least the aspects not directly related to giant monsters or disaterous train wrecks almost feels autobiographical. You could believe a young Spielberg or Abrams was running around corralling a group of friends into different scenes and shots almost oblivious to the world carrying on around them and it certainly gave the film a reality amongst the fiction.

Finally, I should also mention that for once, we have a film which does not feel like the start of a longer story, doesn’t feel like its sole purpose is to set the scene for the next film and hasn’t left us hanging, waiting to find out what will happen next. This is a true stand-alone tale and it is better for it, which is becoming all too rare.

If you accept the fact that originality is almost dead in the world of cinema, particularly when budgets are big and expectations are high, this film is genuinely entertaining and will have a real appeal for all ages. The 12A rating certainly reflects the film’s scarier aspects and I wouldn’t suggest this is a film which is appropriate for under 12s. It’s been out for a few weeks, so I’d suggest getting down to see it if you haven’t already, particularly if you have an Orange Wednesday, or O2 Priority thing going to waste.

4/5

900

Fly me to the moon and let me play among the stars… Guildford, Saturday Night.

Since I have decided to review EVERYTHING in the world (when I can be bothered and only including things I am aware of) why restrict it to objects, products and services?

From the title, you’re probably guessing I went on holiday somewhere, or at the very least an airborne journey of some kind, you’d be wrong, on Saturday night I went on a traditional boozy-birthday night out out, but not just any old night out, a Cabin Crew themed night out!

So, since we were out the only real theme was fancy dress…

• Girls wearing skimpy Ann Summer’s pilot/air-hostess costumes?
  CHECK!
• Me wearing a ridiculous pilot costume with some kind of pvc gimp style pilot’s hat?
  CHECK!
• Al wearing a matching costume?
  CHECK!
• Walking down the street like Leonardo Di Caprio with a posse of hot girls either side of me dressed as air-hostesses?
  Bollocks, I knew I forgot to do something.

After a day in which we barbecued (and cooked far too much meat along with the birthday girl setting the fire alarm off by burning onions, somehow) it was pretty welcome. After a week of stress at work and home it was exceptionally welcome.

We began with drinking games at the house, as tradition and overdrafts dictate, a relatively tame start was had by all. The Essex contingent kept the laughs up whilst the volume of the cackling hens progressively increased, Alex and I the only two guys in the party were left to soak up the ambience. 10pm came and went and off we went, first to a cash point, where the girls managed to convince some guys they were indeed genuine air-hostesses, working for 3 different airlines, I think they genuinely had the guys, or at least one of them convinced and immediately the tone for the evening was set, these girls were going to get some serious attention, safety in numbers was the order of the day.

Starting of at the traditional starting point for all nights out, both in Guildford and elsewhere, Wetherspoons, things went off with a bang. A Jug of some cheap cocktail in the hand of every girl, Alex and I started with an Apple Sourz, Jägerbombs and a beer/kopparberg. A quick trip to the loo (together, obviously, we’re real men who are comfortable with our sexuality) on the way back two girls ask as where we’re gonna fly them to, well… this has never happened before; we’ve never been wearing pilot’s uniforms before, but it’s a pretty welcome change. My mind raced as I desperately tried to avoid the chessyness of the ‘anywhere you want’ line, whilst still acheiving a similar level of humour. Of course I was drunk and not very witty, so I failed and Al immediately slipped it in. Girls giggle and smile, saying ‘very good one’, we could probably have carried on the banter, but we turned on our heels and my regret at not being the one to spin the line sullied my mood for a good 5 minutes.

Antonia having already been accused of rape the previous night (I wasn’t there so I can’t really tell you what happened, all I know is it involved a dungeon and a man commonly described as ‘Easy-Davies’) was already attracting attention. We chuckled and wondered where that would lead, assuming the two would be locking lips within minutes… Apparently not. Asking Sarah to save her an argument between Sarah and said man erupts. Alex and I, keen to bring our combined brawn into play (I’m barely 5 foot 7 and he is a skinny games developer) look up and move over, but the girls have it covered. It seems there are 3 jugs of varying coloured alcoholic liquid on the table and he’s claimed the lot, they are all his unless Antonia plays with him. None of them want to play with him, he looks like a character from Lord of the Rings, not the good kind, like Aragorn, more like an ork, or Gollum. We all move away and after guarding his jugs for a little while comes lurching past, peering in to see if Antonia is still there before wondering over to an unsuspecting blonde from another party. She’s far from interested and we decide not to intervene. Sarah’s ex also makes an appearance, but again, nothing comes of it and everyone’s happy.

Another round of drinks later and the girls come towards the end of their jugs. Time to go to the dance floor. That’s right, Wetherspoons has a dance floor! The less said about this the better, it’s your standard bop to cheesy tunes, but someone stole my gimpy pilot’s hat. Impressed? I was not.

Off to Casino nightclub. To give you some background, this is the same nightclub in which Cheryl Cole was accused of beating up a toilet attendant, it’s also the better of Guildford’s two bigger nightclubs. Although it had been some years since my last visit nothing has changed. Two of the Essex contingent decide not to come in and make their way back to the house but we manage to negotiate a £2 reduction on the entry fee thanks to the birthday and associated costumes, bringing it down to a bargain £8. The drinks here are costly, I was already nicely drunk so I didn’t bother and it was straight on to the dance floor for us. The girls make a bee-line to the podium and I made the mistake of joining before I was ordered down for having the wrong genitals. Harsh but fair was my opinion, the girls looked much better up there. Alex and I stick to taking a couple of pictures from the dance floor, forgetting that taking pictures of scantily clad girls dancing is actually a bit pervy. Nevermind. Off to sit down. We find some chairs facing the dancefloor and are swiftly ejected ‘no access to the VIP area’. I must admit the booze stained sofas were hardly an immediate give away as to the nature of this area, regardless, off we went.

Eventually the evening draws to a close. We wonder out of ‘The Casino’ and back to the house. En route Alex decides to take off half his costume, leaving only the ‘shirt front’ which looked more like a fabric bib. Back at the house Alex makes an exit before I am eventually faced with the decision of sleeping on the sofa or heading back to my own warm bed. Pissed I may be, but stupid I am not. I collect up the remnants of the costumes (having already stripped back down to my jeans and t-shirt underneath) and make my way home, somehow managing to not be exceptionally ill.

In the end, a fantastic night and great fun had by all celebrating Sarah’s birthday. As far as nights out go, this one was definitely a 5/5.

1152

Here in my car, I feel ner ner na ner, ner ner ner ner ner na ner, ner ner na ner, IN CARS! My Mazda MX-5

Not my one, but basically the same.

So you might have noticed by now I have a thing for using song lyrics in my blog titles. You may or may not recognise that Gary Numan immediately sprang to mind when I decided to review my regular mode of transport and lets be sensible, everyone knows the song, but no-one knows more than about 4 words!

I’m about as qualified to review cars as anything else (not very!) But it’s something I use almost every day of my life and your car is usually the biggest purchase you can make other than a house, making it rather an important decision.

The first thing I will admit is, I have never ‘test-driven’ a car in my life. I had a test ride in my second car, a 1.1 litre Fiesta, but I desperately didn’t want that car and knew I’d have to buy it anyway, so the purpose of that was just to check it still had an engine and working doors as much as anything.

In terms of my car history, I started out with a ’93 Renault Clio, a car which just about everyone I can possibly think of has owned at some stage in their life. It was the original model and had a huge 1.9l Diesel engine in it. It was slow to get started but went along well and shook you to the very core at the lights as the chassis was really only designed for 1.2l petrol engines. I wrote that car off after 2 months of driving (and after I’d earned my first speeding ticket and had to replace the radiator). I then bought my ’96 Fiesta for an extortionate £1,250 and ran it into the ground over the course of 6 years, during which time it had a new engine and was borrowed by my sister, before being returned with that impossible to remove aroma left behind by those who smoke in their brother’s car. When the classification of my Fiesta went from ‘vehicle’ to ‘scrap metal’, my lovely housemate let me use her Golf (1.6l), a 1998-99 model in white which was one of the most lovely cars to drive. In the short time I used it the alternator went and I had to be towed twice by the AA, a company that since has introduced me to no less than 6 of its roadside mechanics!

Finally, my previous car was an Alfa Romeo GTV, a 1997 Phase 1 model which deserves a paragraph of its own. This was a wonderous car. It was one of those cars which as a child I dreamed of owning. An Alfa Romeo Coupe, amazing! It had a 2 litre engine which made it rather nippy and it just stuck to the road. When I bought it (on ebay, funnily enough, not as bad as one might think) the guy who owned it said to me ‘it drives like a go-kart’ and the man was spot on. Over the course of my year of ownership, as I had anticipated the car’s roadworthyness deteriorated at a rapid pace and I eventually passed it on to someone more inclined to bring it back up to scratch than me. This car though, was and may well remain, my favourite car. It drove amazingly, got me to where I wanted to go and never broke down. It had leather seats, air-con, and working electrics throughout and put a huge smile on my face. I hope to see her around again soon.

Now drive a Mazda MX-5.

I didn’t test drive this car before I ordered it either, despite the fact it was to be my first ever brand new car. ‘What’s the point’ I thought, my mum is on her third, she loves them so much and it’s an absolute bargain. Well, it isn’t really, because rather than buying a 1.8l rag-top, I managed to end up choosing the 2l folding hard-top version with metallic paint, air-con and all the other little initialisms you get for spending more than you need to. (LSD and ASP to name a couple).

So, where’s the catch? I looked it up, in terms of fuel economy, top speed and 0-60mph it was exactly the same as my Alfa. Excellent! Every review is amazing and it seems the folding hard-top version really is markedly better, with less road noise and a roof which is able to open or shut in a market leading 13 seconds.

Well, the reviews aren’t totally right. It’s a fantastic car, it goes like sh1t off a shovel and it’s quite fun to drive. But. I’ve now owned (well leased) mine for about a year, so I can give you my own views on it, from an owner’s perspective.

Handling

It’s rear wheel drive. Most car enthusiasts think this is a good thing and maybe I’m just not ‘doing it’ right. In my old car, as I went around a roundabout a smidge too quickly and put my foot down on the exit, it would grip the road and take off. If I do (when I did) this in the Mazda, the rear end slides out and if you aren’t used to this your bowels prepare to evacuate themselves before you slam into that tree in front of you whilst gracefully spinning over a piece of tarmac, then grass. Luckily that hasn’t happened yet, but it could and probably will. However, the car is well balanced, with even weight distribution, meaning that if the back of the car does step out, it’s not too hard to get it to play-ball again. Don’t ever drive this car in the ice though.

So in terms of the handling it’s Alfa 1, Mazda 0, although it’s still not bad.

4/5

Ride

The ride is firm and sporty, but not overly-so. The suspension is just right and the car is well balanced, as I mentioned. It’s probably the best feature of this car and means that around a track, on a drive to work or a long journey to Wales, it is more than up to the challenge.

5/5

Looks

It’s a great looking car. My Alfa was starting to look a little  dated although it too was lovely. I don’t think you can fault the mazda on this front, particularly for the money.

4.5/5

Interior

It’s a decent place to sit, which was one of the main criteria for my car choice. I haven’t got leather seats of anything like that, but it’s none-the-worse for it. The console is a touch dated now, and it’s largely unchanged from that used in the previous iteration of the current model, so has been going for over 5 years now. The controls are functional though. One downer is that there is a large gearbox-related bulge on the driver’s side of UK cars. I am sure this is because the majority of the cars they build are Left Hand Drive, but it does notice sometimes when you change the position of your feet. The roof controls are also ‘the wrong way around’ for the same reason. They are minor gripes though and apart from a slight reduction in storage over the soft top version, it ticks all the boxes.

4.5/5

Boot Space

I generally only need to put my shopping in the boot and even when I bring Alex along and have to fit his in to, the car is well up to the task. Unfortunately there is no spare tyre in there, with just a puncture-repair kit provided. It’s not for golfers or serial house movers though.

3/5

Economy

It’s a good value car to buy, but with the bigger engine it does drink petrol and I typically find it sits at 26.2 mpg. My run to work is not dual carriageways and A roads, it’s a country drive which averages around 40-50mph, so I am sure it can do better, particularly if you are less lead footed, but it’s not a car for the frugal driver.

3/5

Safety

Many thanks for the comment mentioning safety, which is indeed an important issue, worthy of prompting me to edit this review. I have to admit, I had only considered the car from the point of view of an end user, on a day-to-day basis and as I’ve yet to have a crash, the safety of the car was not one of my primary concerns. Of course you don’t want to crash any car (my experince is that it’s not much fun) but of course you do want to know if you do you’ve got a fighting chance. Anyway, given that I don’t have firsthand experience I will point you to Euro NCAP, who’s business is testing and rating cars’ safety in the event of an accident. They’ve given the MX-5 a 4 star rating, which is pretty good (it’s out of 5) although for passengers the car receives just 1 star from a maximum of 4. The full details are here: Euro NCAP.

4/5

Overall

I was told once, third hand, that a Mazda sales-man once said that his was the easiest job in the business, because once you buy a Mazda, you never buy another car again. He’s probably right, but then I can only imagine none of his customers had ever owned an Alfa Romeo.

4.5/5

1,565 words about a Mazda, I didn’t think I had it in me!

Jamie’s Italian. Italian dining from Jamie ‘I’m a genuine cockney geeza, innit’ Oliver.

Jamie’s Italian, Guildford

Ok, so let’s kick this thing off, shall we? After a week of using and trying various new things I find I’ve now had something of a boring week, until last night. Jamie’s Italian, step up to the plate and be judged.As it’s my first review, I’ve not really settled on a format, but we’ll see what happens, the important thing is getting the information across… right? Oh, but I will tell you, I’ve settled on a ‘marks out of 5’ system, it’s tried and tested, but also ambiguous enough. I mean does rating something 82% really tell you more than 4 out of 5?

Damn, ok, I’ve become mired in random thoughts about how to do things rather than actually doing them. Next time I decide to have a bit of a brain fart, warn me?

As you might have guessed the ‘Jamie’ referenced in this restaurant’s moniker is Jamie Oliver, he of ‘mockney’ TV cheffing fame. I think he’s a bit of a prick, I’ll admit it now, but believe me when I say it hasn’t clouded my judgement.

First Impressions

Well I’ve been before. Despite the abundance of Italian restaurants in Guildford (and every other city this side of the Isle of Wight) there is still a limited number and lets all be honest, Italian is the go-to choice for a night out when you have no better ideas.

The building Jamie’s Italian resides in has had many guises, in my time in Guildford it has been a bank and a music store before the story eventually reached its inevitable conclusion. It is an interesting place, a circular building near the biggest road in Guildford’s town centre. However, on the edge of town it’s in a prime position, with passing motorists and shoppers all conscious of its existence. Well decorated and with a nice ambience, Mr Oliver has done a good job.

4.5/5

Service

All pretty straightforward here. An Italian looking and Italian sounding lady (probably an Italian) looked after our table of 9 for the evening. She was a nice sort and we were never left for too long without attention. She put up with the regular hassle given to her (especially from the girls of the group) and despite spilling a beer on the table and knocking over Alex’s ‘Eat & Mess’ dessert, she was very professional. He offer of a ménage-a-trois left for her on our receipt (along with Davies’ number) was certainly well earned.

I will review said 3-some if she calls.

4/5

Food

At the end of the day, no matter what goes on around you, how well lit the restaurant is or what brand of European you have serving you, the main thing you go out to a restaurant for is the food. Unfortunately, this is where things turned a little pear shaped.

I don’t really know how to put this, because it might sound a bit unfair, but to be quite honest, the menu is a little pretentious…

There, I said it. And actually, I’m not being unfair, because it’s true. Jamie has positioned his burgeoning chain of restaurants to compete with the ASKs, Zizzis and Prezzos of this world, but he’s missed the point. All of those restaurants serve us the food we want to eat. I can go to any of those places and get a lovely Bolognese, Carbonara or even a Steak and it will hit the spot expected of it. Whilst all of those things exist on Jamie’s menu, very few of the other staple Italian dishes remain; heaven forbid you decide you’d like a Pizza.

I will admit, I like a poncy menu as much as the next guy, but when I am in a poncy restaurant. When you go to one of these places, no matter what you order, or what your gastric preferences may be, the food will taste bloody amazing, at a chain restaurant type affair Michelin quality chefs are fewer and farther between.

I went safe, or so I thought, I had a Tomato Bruschetta to start, Spagetti Bolognese as my main and Tuscan ‘Eat & Mess’ for dessert.

The poncification (Ponce-ifi-cation – to ‘poncify’ or ‘to make poncy’) of my starter was a sign of things to come: –

1. Ricotta doesn’t work anywhere near as well as mozzarella.
2. Don’t put pepper in my bruschetta, particularly without warning me first.
3. The tomatoes look like a mess and don’t taste of much.
4. Concentrate more on the food than the presentation

I ate it all, although I was done after eating my first slice (of two) and not long afterwards the mains began to appear.

First impressions here is that there isn’t much meat, making this dish rather poor value for money. Second impression, Jamie, or his chef, has decided exactly how much parmesan I would like on my Bolognese. Now even in Pizza Express they grate it for you at the table. What if I didn’t like cheese? What if I was lactose intolerant? Well, to be honest, that wouldn’t have been too much of an issue because they were about as frugal with the cheese as they were with the meat.

In terms of the way it tasted, disappointing would be an understatement. It was a pretty straightforward dish, but I have had better from a microwave meal. It was admittedly presented well (again) but beyond that a very average dish. I will admit everyone else at the table seemed largely satisfied, but to be quite honest my friends are plebs and might have been aiming for ‘polite’ over ‘opinionated’, a strategy I also opted for. However, their general positivity will certainly contribute half a mark here (which is probably generous).

Finally, dessert. And we have a winner! The dessert, an Eton Mess labelled with a ‘hilarious’ play on words (which tickled Alex’s penchant for a pun), was spot on. The ‘tower’ presentation was very good, it tasted exactly as one would hope and offered plenty of meringue, an ingredient often coming up short in this traditional English dessert. A welcome end to a disappointing meal.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, I only drank beer. I don’t know much about wine, so, can’t really help you there. If you care about that sort of thing then yeah, great, but you’ll have to eat the crap food to try it.

2.5/5

Price

As with any pretentious restaurant, the food immediately appears over-priced. ‘Fine’ one tends to think… ‘It’s probably pretty nice, so it’s ok… this time.’ Well, as we’ve already covered, it wasn’t very nice. One expects a bit better at the more premium end of this particular market and on this score Jamie’s was a real let-down. Whilst it’s not far off Zizzi’s or Prezzo in terms of price, the food is definitely not value for money.

Budget around £30 per head, although this may easily stretch to £40 with a bottle of reasonable wine included.

2.5/5

Overall

A good ambience and perhaps there are better dishes on the menu than I’ve tried; however, with a glut of Italian restaurants populating our high streets, Jamie’s Italian is unfortunately a case of style over substance and should be considered only when other options have been exhausted.

3/5

1,217 words – and I’m spent!