S&M… That’s Sir & Madam, actually!

Sir & Madam, Guildford

Despite the fact I have zero funds, I have managed to visit Sir & Madam twice in the space of a single week! On both occasions I ate pretty much the same meal too, which is shocking behaviour when you know you’re going to write a review and could offer some thoughts on more than one dish.

Oh and I should probably mention, since it’s not that obvious, Sir & Madam is a Thai restaurant, which I have now eaten at 3 times in total.

So in traditional OCD style I am going to use exactly the same headings as I did for my review of Jamie’s. This is both a blessing and a curse, because it means that you can compare and contrast (thumbs up) but it also means I have to remember what I did and that if I come up with something new and clever I don’t really want to add it. (Predictably, in fact, I have just thought of something I didn’t mention last time and not only have I come back to mention that here, it has meant adding a whole new paragraph to my long since finished review of Jamie’s Italian. Bugger.) Never mind though, perhaps, as usual, I should stop thinking out loud about how I write my blog and actually get some proper words down on the metaphorical paper. (I could use actual paper, but then the only beneficiary of my review would be me… and my mum after I’ve made her read it. (My mum doesn’t actually need to read it either, she was the person I went with the first time. (HI MUM! (See, I still force her to read it on here too! (Is there a limit to the number of brackets you should put within brackets?)))))

First Impressions

I am delighted to be able to tell you that Sir & Madam is located up Jeffrey’s Passage… or down it, depending on your angle of approach! Jeffrey’s passage leads off Guildford’s High Street on to the parallel ‘2nd’ shopping street in Guildford’s town centre. Local’s will know where I mean, outsiders should simply aim for the little passageway kind of opposite Sainsbury’s at the top of town. Apart from the obvious hilarity of the name, and I do love a good Jeff related pun, this street, or passage, more accurately has a number of little shops well worth checking out if you’ve not been down that way before.

In terms of the restaurant itself, it is a little hamstrung by the location in terms of how it looks from the outside, although I do think its in the ideal spot. If anything though it’s a plain and unobtrusive frontage which offers little to catch the eye.

Despite visiting on a Wednesday and a Sunday (not prime nights for eating out) the restaurant was nicely full on each occasion. There was couples and groups, but not every table was full, suggesting that there is no need to book, at least not on a Friday or Saturday. Given that the restaurant is small, but spacious, the ambience is great. The decor is simple but you tend to find that with good food and better company that you shouldn’t be staring at the walls much anyway!

My mark is a little harsh here given that I think it’s a great place to come, but given that it is easily lost down this back passage (seriously, the scope for puns is endless!) with no strong presence, I have to give a slightly lower mark for the first impression. Second third and forth impressions are much better!

3.5/5

Service

It has to be said, the service is excellent. You are greeted when you enter and generally given a choice of tables, with couples encouraged to use a larger table if they prefer. The waitresses are all well turned out, either wearing traditional Thai dress or a Singha uniform. Unlike with some restaurants, you are not attended to by one individual, with the whole staff pitching in to serve. They are both attentive and the food is quick. My waitress on my first visit was called Meow, and whilst this may be a little culturally uncouth, this, quite frankly, sealed the deal. Who can resist a Thai woman called Meow? The opportunities are endless!

5/5

Food

On, once again, to the make or break aspect of the restaurant experience, the nom noms… I mean, for those of you not prone to talking like a child, the food.

I don’t know how to speak Thai-ish, so I don’t know what any of the dishes are actually called (although I have heard of Pad Thai before and Thai Green Curry!) Luckily for you though I chose things with sensible names… I am good to you.

There are a few set menu options, even the meals for 2 seem to come with a vast amount of food though, so on each occasion I stuck with choosing individual dishes from the menu.

For my first visit I had Thai Crispy Duck Spring Rolls to start and Thai Fried Rice with Chicken for the main. Second time around I mixed it up with the sharing platter as the starter and Thai Fried Rice with Chicken as my main course. I honestly do like trying new things, I promise, just not this time!

The Duck Spring Rolls were lovely. Admittedly they were hotter than the sun when they arrived, but once you have busted through the pastry casing to the goodness within and allowed the cool air to circulate the whole concept seems like utter genius. Yes you don’t get the joy of watching someone tear the flesh from a cooked duck, nor do you have the chance to roll your very own preferred combination of duck, cucumber, spring onion and hoi sin in a pancake, but do you really need all of that? The spring roll approach is lovely and the little pot of hoi sin ensures you have all you need.

My alternative starter was probably the best choice on the menu, especially if you are dining with more than one person. You are provided with 2 of each of the following: Satay Chicken Skewers, Spare Ribs, Prawn Toast and Vegetable (sort of) Spring Rolls. (I feel like I missing one, but I’ll be blowed if I can remember what it was.) Each item was as tasty as the last and although there was plenty there it wasn’t too filling. My pick of the bunch was the spare ribs, maybe it was because I got to eat both, but the meat just seemed to fall off the bone and they tasted fantastic.

Perhaps one benefit of having the same meal twice was the ability to confirm the quality of the food is consistent, which it certainly seems to be. Although there are far more interesting things on the menu, with a choice of currys and other dishes, the Thai Fried Rice is a great choice. Although at first glance it’s simply egg fried rice with chicken, there is something a bit extra about Thai food which makes that ok. Where Chinese or Indian flavours are strong or harsh on the pallet, Thai offers subtle flavours through every dish. The rice is well cooked and although the egg and chicken the main other ingredients, there is also onion and some tomato in there which keeps the meal interesting. I can’t fault what one would normally assume to be a plain dish and it was good enough to have me coming back for more.

I didn’t have the desert on this occasion, although I have tried the deep-fried ice-cream in Sir & Madam before. This is another aspect which, in my experience, Thai restaurants do so much better than their Chinese counterparts; Sir & Madam is no different. With bespoke desserts rather than mass-produced, frozen rubbish they are much more interesting. I had to try the deep-fried ice-cream for the experience and it’s certainly sweet and rich. A little too much for my taste but something which has to be seen to be believed!

We did have a bottle of wine on my second visit, the Pinot Grigio, but as ever, I know nothing about alcoholic grape juice, so I will offer no opinion. We finished the bottle, but that doesn’t say much either!

5/5

Price

I have called this section price, but in reality what I mean is value for money. I once had a meal which cost £100 a head and whilst the price was high, I considered that meal to be good value for money too, so don’t be fooled! Here though, the prices are low and the value for money is high. I really can’t fault the cost here, offering an alternative to the cost and quick turnaround at alternatives such as Thai Terrace with no compromise on the quality of the food.

With 2 courses and a bottle of wine we paid £20 per head on my second visit. The first was even cheaper, with the total bill coming closer to £35 for the two of us, although we did not have wine that time around.

5/5

Overall

I can barely fault this restaurant. I fear even many locals are either unaware of the place of have simply walked past it, not drawn in by the bland exterior. However, apart from this, in many ways it’s hard to fault and I almost hope no-one else does discover this place really, with the atmosphere and service already just right.

4.5/5

1,602, two meals at a nice restaurant are obviously inspirational!

Fly me to the moon and let me play among the stars… Guildford, Saturday Night.

Since I have decided to review EVERYTHING in the world (when I can be bothered and only including things I am aware of) why restrict it to objects, products and services?

From the title, you’re probably guessing I went on holiday somewhere, or at the very least an airborne journey of some kind, you’d be wrong, on Saturday night I went on a traditional boozy-birthday night out out, but not just any old night out, a Cabin Crew themed night out!

So, since we were out the only real theme was fancy dress…

• Girls wearing skimpy Ann Summer’s pilot/air-hostess costumes?
  CHECK!
• Me wearing a ridiculous pilot costume with some kind of pvc gimp style pilot’s hat?
  CHECK!
• Al wearing a matching costume?
  CHECK!
• Walking down the street like Leonardo Di Caprio with a posse of hot girls either side of me dressed as air-hostesses?
  Bollocks, I knew I forgot to do something.

After a day in which we barbecued (and cooked far too much meat along with the birthday girl setting the fire alarm off by burning onions, somehow) it was pretty welcome. After a week of stress at work and home it was exceptionally welcome.

We began with drinking games at the house, as tradition and overdrafts dictate, a relatively tame start was had by all. The Essex contingent kept the laughs up whilst the volume of the cackling hens progressively increased, Alex and I the only two guys in the party were left to soak up the ambience. 10pm came and went and off we went, first to a cash point, where the girls managed to convince some guys they were indeed genuine air-hostesses, working for 3 different airlines, I think they genuinely had the guys, or at least one of them convinced and immediately the tone for the evening was set, these girls were going to get some serious attention, safety in numbers was the order of the day.

Starting of at the traditional starting point for all nights out, both in Guildford and elsewhere, Wetherspoons, things went off with a bang. A Jug of some cheap cocktail in the hand of every girl, Alex and I started with an Apple Sourz, Jägerbombs and a beer/kopparberg. A quick trip to the loo (together, obviously, we’re real men who are comfortable with our sexuality) on the way back two girls ask as where we’re gonna fly them to, well… this has never happened before; we’ve never been wearing pilot’s uniforms before, but it’s a pretty welcome change. My mind raced as I desperately tried to avoid the chessyness of the ‘anywhere you want’ line, whilst still acheiving a similar level of humour. Of course I was drunk and not very witty, so I failed and Al immediately slipped it in. Girls giggle and smile, saying ‘very good one’, we could probably have carried on the banter, but we turned on our heels and my regret at not being the one to spin the line sullied my mood for a good 5 minutes.

Antonia having already been accused of rape the previous night (I wasn’t there so I can’t really tell you what happened, all I know is it involved a dungeon and a man commonly described as ‘Easy-Davies’) was already attracting attention. We chuckled and wondered where that would lead, assuming the two would be locking lips within minutes… Apparently not. Asking Sarah to save her an argument between Sarah and said man erupts. Alex and I, keen to bring our combined brawn into play (I’m barely 5 foot 7 and he is a skinny games developer) look up and move over, but the girls have it covered. It seems there are 3 jugs of varying coloured alcoholic liquid on the table and he’s claimed the lot, they are all his unless Antonia plays with him. None of them want to play with him, he looks like a character from Lord of the Rings, not the good kind, like Aragorn, more like an ork, or Gollum. We all move away and after guarding his jugs for a little while comes lurching past, peering in to see if Antonia is still there before wondering over to an unsuspecting blonde from another party. She’s far from interested and we decide not to intervene. Sarah’s ex also makes an appearance, but again, nothing comes of it and everyone’s happy.

Another round of drinks later and the girls come towards the end of their jugs. Time to go to the dance floor. That’s right, Wetherspoons has a dance floor! The less said about this the better, it’s your standard bop to cheesy tunes, but someone stole my gimpy pilot’s hat. Impressed? I was not.

Off to Casino nightclub. To give you some background, this is the same nightclub in which Cheryl Cole was accused of beating up a toilet attendant, it’s also the better of Guildford’s two bigger nightclubs. Although it had been some years since my last visit nothing has changed. Two of the Essex contingent decide not to come in and make their way back to the house but we manage to negotiate a £2 reduction on the entry fee thanks to the birthday and associated costumes, bringing it down to a bargain £8. The drinks here are costly, I was already nicely drunk so I didn’t bother and it was straight on to the dance floor for us. The girls make a bee-line to the podium and I made the mistake of joining before I was ordered down for having the wrong genitals. Harsh but fair was my opinion, the girls looked much better up there. Alex and I stick to taking a couple of pictures from the dance floor, forgetting that taking pictures of scantily clad girls dancing is actually a bit pervy. Nevermind. Off to sit down. We find some chairs facing the dancefloor and are swiftly ejected ‘no access to the VIP area’. I must admit the booze stained sofas were hardly an immediate give away as to the nature of this area, regardless, off we went.

Eventually the evening draws to a close. We wonder out of ‘The Casino’ and back to the house. En route Alex decides to take off half his costume, leaving only the ‘shirt front’ which looked more like a fabric bib. Back at the house Alex makes an exit before I am eventually faced with the decision of sleeping on the sofa or heading back to my own warm bed. Pissed I may be, but stupid I am not. I collect up the remnants of the costumes (having already stripped back down to my jeans and t-shirt underneath) and make my way home, somehow managing to not be exceptionally ill.

In the end, a fantastic night and great fun had by all celebrating Sarah’s birthday. As far as nights out go, this one was definitely a 5/5.

1152

Jamie’s Italian. Italian dining from Jamie ‘I’m a genuine cockney geeza, innit’ Oliver.

Jamie’s Italian, Guildford

Ok, so let’s kick this thing off, shall we? After a week of using and trying various new things I find I’ve now had something of a boring week, until last night. Jamie’s Italian, step up to the plate and be judged.As it’s my first review, I’ve not really settled on a format, but we’ll see what happens, the important thing is getting the information across… right? Oh, but I will tell you, I’ve settled on a ‘marks out of 5’ system, it’s tried and tested, but also ambiguous enough. I mean does rating something 82% really tell you more than 4 out of 5?

Damn, ok, I’ve become mired in random thoughts about how to do things rather than actually doing them. Next time I decide to have a bit of a brain fart, warn me?

As you might have guessed the ‘Jamie’ referenced in this restaurant’s moniker is Jamie Oliver, he of ‘mockney’ TV cheffing fame. I think he’s a bit of a prick, I’ll admit it now, but believe me when I say it hasn’t clouded my judgement.

First Impressions

Well I’ve been before. Despite the abundance of Italian restaurants in Guildford (and every other city this side of the Isle of Wight) there is still a limited number and lets all be honest, Italian is the go-to choice for a night out when you have no better ideas.

The building Jamie’s Italian resides in has had many guises, in my time in Guildford it has been a bank and a music store before the story eventually reached its inevitable conclusion. It is an interesting place, a circular building near the biggest road in Guildford’s town centre. However, on the edge of town it’s in a prime position, with passing motorists and shoppers all conscious of its existence. Well decorated and with a nice ambience, Mr Oliver has done a good job.

4.5/5

Service

All pretty straightforward here. An Italian looking and Italian sounding lady (probably an Italian) looked after our table of 9 for the evening. She was a nice sort and we were never left for too long without attention. She put up with the regular hassle given to her (especially from the girls of the group) and despite spilling a beer on the table and knocking over Alex’s ‘Eat & Mess’ dessert, she was very professional. He offer of a ménage-a-trois left for her on our receipt (along with Davies’ number) was certainly well earned.

I will review said 3-some if she calls.

4/5

Food

At the end of the day, no matter what goes on around you, how well lit the restaurant is or what brand of European you have serving you, the main thing you go out to a restaurant for is the food. Unfortunately, this is where things turned a little pear shaped.

I don’t really know how to put this, because it might sound a bit unfair, but to be quite honest, the menu is a little pretentious…

There, I said it. And actually, I’m not being unfair, because it’s true. Jamie has positioned his burgeoning chain of restaurants to compete with the ASKs, Zizzis and Prezzos of this world, but he’s missed the point. All of those restaurants serve us the food we want to eat. I can go to any of those places and get a lovely Bolognese, Carbonara or even a Steak and it will hit the spot expected of it. Whilst all of those things exist on Jamie’s menu, very few of the other staple Italian dishes remain; heaven forbid you decide you’d like a Pizza.

I will admit, I like a poncy menu as much as the next guy, but when I am in a poncy restaurant. When you go to one of these places, no matter what you order, or what your gastric preferences may be, the food will taste bloody amazing, at a chain restaurant type affair Michelin quality chefs are fewer and farther between.

I went safe, or so I thought, I had a Tomato Bruschetta to start, Spagetti Bolognese as my main and Tuscan ‘Eat & Mess’ for dessert.

The poncification (Ponce-ifi-cation – to ‘poncify’ or ‘to make poncy’) of my starter was a sign of things to come: –

1. Ricotta doesn’t work anywhere near as well as mozzarella.
2. Don’t put pepper in my bruschetta, particularly without warning me first.
3. The tomatoes look like a mess and don’t taste of much.
4. Concentrate more on the food than the presentation

I ate it all, although I was done after eating my first slice (of two) and not long afterwards the mains began to appear.

First impressions here is that there isn’t much meat, making this dish rather poor value for money. Second impression, Jamie, or his chef, has decided exactly how much parmesan I would like on my Bolognese. Now even in Pizza Express they grate it for you at the table. What if I didn’t like cheese? What if I was lactose intolerant? Well, to be honest, that wouldn’t have been too much of an issue because they were about as frugal with the cheese as they were with the meat.

In terms of the way it tasted, disappointing would be an understatement. It was a pretty straightforward dish, but I have had better from a microwave meal. It was admittedly presented well (again) but beyond that a very average dish. I will admit everyone else at the table seemed largely satisfied, but to be quite honest my friends are plebs and might have been aiming for ‘polite’ over ‘opinionated’, a strategy I also opted for. However, their general positivity will certainly contribute half a mark here (which is probably generous).

Finally, dessert. And we have a winner! The dessert, an Eton Mess labelled with a ‘hilarious’ play on words (which tickled Alex’s penchant for a pun), was spot on. The ‘tower’ presentation was very good, it tasted exactly as one would hope and offered plenty of meringue, an ingredient often coming up short in this traditional English dessert. A welcome end to a disappointing meal.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, I only drank beer. I don’t know much about wine, so, can’t really help you there. If you care about that sort of thing then yeah, great, but you’ll have to eat the crap food to try it.

2.5/5

Price

As with any pretentious restaurant, the food immediately appears over-priced. ‘Fine’ one tends to think… ‘It’s probably pretty nice, so it’s ok… this time.’ Well, as we’ve already covered, it wasn’t very nice. One expects a bit better at the more premium end of this particular market and on this score Jamie’s was a real let-down. Whilst it’s not far off Zizzi’s or Prezzo in terms of price, the food is definitely not value for money.

Budget around £30 per head, although this may easily stretch to £40 with a bottle of reasonable wine included.

2.5/5

Overall

A good ambience and perhaps there are better dishes on the menu than I’ve tried; however, with a glut of Italian restaurants populating our high streets, Jamie’s Italian is unfortunately a case of style over substance and should be considered only when other options have been exhausted.

3/5

1,217 words – and I’m spent!