Fly me to the moon and let me play among the stars… Guildford, Saturday Night.

Since I have decided to review EVERYTHING in the world (when I can be bothered and only including things I am aware of) why restrict it to objects, products and services?

From the title, you’re probably guessing I went on holiday somewhere, or at the very least an airborne journey of some kind, you’d be wrong, on Saturday night I went on a traditional boozy-birthday night out out, but not just any old night out, a Cabin Crew themed night out!

So, since we were out the only real theme was fancy dress…

• Girls wearing skimpy Ann Summer’s pilot/air-hostess costumes?
  CHECK!
• Me wearing a ridiculous pilot costume with some kind of pvc gimp style pilot’s hat?
  CHECK!
• Al wearing a matching costume?
  CHECK!
• Walking down the street like Leonardo Di Caprio with a posse of hot girls either side of me dressed as air-hostesses?
  Bollocks, I knew I forgot to do something.

After a day in which we barbecued (and cooked far too much meat along with the birthday girl setting the fire alarm off by burning onions, somehow) it was pretty welcome. After a week of stress at work and home it was exceptionally welcome.

We began with drinking games at the house, as tradition and overdrafts dictate, a relatively tame start was had by all. The Essex contingent kept the laughs up whilst the volume of the cackling hens progressively increased, Alex and I the only two guys in the party were left to soak up the ambience. 10pm came and went and off we went, first to a cash point, where the girls managed to convince some guys they were indeed genuine air-hostesses, working for 3 different airlines, I think they genuinely had the guys, or at least one of them convinced and immediately the tone for the evening was set, these girls were going to get some serious attention, safety in numbers was the order of the day.

Starting of at the traditional starting point for all nights out, both in Guildford and elsewhere, Wetherspoons, things went off with a bang. A Jug of some cheap cocktail in the hand of every girl, Alex and I started with an Apple Sourz, Jägerbombs and a beer/kopparberg. A quick trip to the loo (together, obviously, we’re real men who are comfortable with our sexuality) on the way back two girls ask as where we’re gonna fly them to, well… this has never happened before; we’ve never been wearing pilot’s uniforms before, but it’s a pretty welcome change. My mind raced as I desperately tried to avoid the chessyness of the ‘anywhere you want’ line, whilst still acheiving a similar level of humour. Of course I was drunk and not very witty, so I failed and Al immediately slipped it in. Girls giggle and smile, saying ‘very good one’, we could probably have carried on the banter, but we turned on our heels and my regret at not being the one to spin the line sullied my mood for a good 5 minutes.

Antonia having already been accused of rape the previous night (I wasn’t there so I can’t really tell you what happened, all I know is it involved a dungeon and a man commonly described as ‘Easy-Davies’) was already attracting attention. We chuckled and wondered where that would lead, assuming the two would be locking lips within minutes… Apparently not. Asking Sarah to save her an argument between Sarah and said man erupts. Alex and I, keen to bring our combined brawn into play (I’m barely 5 foot 7 and he is a skinny games developer) look up and move over, but the girls have it covered. It seems there are 3 jugs of varying coloured alcoholic liquid on the table and he’s claimed the lot, they are all his unless Antonia plays with him. None of them want to play with him, he looks like a character from Lord of the Rings, not the good kind, like Aragorn, more like an ork, or Gollum. We all move away and after guarding his jugs for a little while comes lurching past, peering in to see if Antonia is still there before wondering over to an unsuspecting blonde from another party. She’s far from interested and we decide not to intervene. Sarah’s ex also makes an appearance, but again, nothing comes of it and everyone’s happy.

Another round of drinks later and the girls come towards the end of their jugs. Time to go to the dance floor. That’s right, Wetherspoons has a dance floor! The less said about this the better, it’s your standard bop to cheesy tunes, but someone stole my gimpy pilot’s hat. Impressed? I was not.

Off to Casino nightclub. To give you some background, this is the same nightclub in which Cheryl Cole was accused of beating up a toilet attendant, it’s also the better of Guildford’s two bigger nightclubs. Although it had been some years since my last visit nothing has changed. Two of the Essex contingent decide not to come in and make their way back to the house but we manage to negotiate a £2 reduction on the entry fee thanks to the birthday and associated costumes, bringing it down to a bargain £8. The drinks here are costly, I was already nicely drunk so I didn’t bother and it was straight on to the dance floor for us. The girls make a bee-line to the podium and I made the mistake of joining before I was ordered down for having the wrong genitals. Harsh but fair was my opinion, the girls looked much better up there. Alex and I stick to taking a couple of pictures from the dance floor, forgetting that taking pictures of scantily clad girls dancing is actually a bit pervy. Nevermind. Off to sit down. We find some chairs facing the dancefloor and are swiftly ejected ‘no access to the VIP area’. I must admit the booze stained sofas were hardly an immediate give away as to the nature of this area, regardless, off we went.

Eventually the evening draws to a close. We wonder out of ‘The Casino’ and back to the house. En route Alex decides to take off half his costume, leaving only the ‘shirt front’ which looked more like a fabric bib. Back at the house Alex makes an exit before I am eventually faced with the decision of sleeping on the sofa or heading back to my own warm bed. Pissed I may be, but stupid I am not. I collect up the remnants of the costumes (having already stripped back down to my jeans and t-shirt underneath) and make my way home, somehow managing to not be exceptionally ill.

In the end, a fantastic night and great fun had by all celebrating Sarah’s birthday. As far as nights out go, this one was definitely a 5/5.

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